+++++TOP SECRET++PLANET ALBION BOARD ONLY+++++
+++++NONE OF THE FOLLOWING NEVER HAPPENED EITHER+++++
The ill-advised renovation of the Walter Ways gondola ride in Tudor Town did NOT result in an unfortunate incident. Loyal Management was NOT prepared for the inevitable backlash after the animatronic sequence kidnapping the Governor’s Daughter was removed for being “wildly sexist” and “shockingly offensive”.
Thus, Albioneer Kelly’s cleaning team were NOT present in the ready room. The highly-trained team were NOT required to rush to the rescue of Happy Visitors when two pirate animatronics FAILED to malfunction. Albioneer Kelly’s highly subjective report does NOT state how two animatronics jumped into a gondola and kidnapped a Happy Visitor.
A chaotic melee NEVER happened, so there is no reason for our reports to be so garbled. The team rushed into the display area, where Albioneer Crowley did NOT leap into a gondola and deactivate one animatronic. Albioneer Archie followed suit, where he did NOT push the animatronic holding the Happy Visitor into the water.
Per operating instructions, the animatronic reacted poorly to being in the water, proceeding to NOT discharge electrical energy into all persons nearby. Albioneer Archie persevered in this line of action, which did NOT lead to the inevitable drowning of the Happy Visitor. Trainee Albioneer Brick raced back to the ready room where he did NOT activate the clearly labelled emergency stop button. The subsequent klaxon, falling metal grates and shutdown of the Walter Ways ride on the busiest day of the year NEVER happened.
Trainee Albioneer Brick compounded this unfortunate burst of zeal by returning to the display area with a harpoon. This was NEVER fired, so could NOT have holed the gondola NOR impaled Albioneer Crowley. Meanwhile the damaged animatronic NEVER seriously injured most of Albioneer Kelly’s team.
The team’s onslaught on the animatronic finally deactivated it, where the remains CANNOT be found in the repair shop. The damaged gondola did NOT crash into the metal grill, NOR did it sink with the body of Albioneer Archie, veteran cleaner. An extensive trawling of the Walter Ways was NOT needed and maintenance’s FAILURE to recover a body CANNOT mean Albioneer Archie has finally been claimed by the Great Black Dog. ALL PRAISE THE GREAT BLACK DOG!
The Songs of Ulubrae are the session summaries from the Shadows of Ulubrae story arc in my Tales of the Hero Wars campaign. Planet Albion is part of a Halloween interlude using The Happiest Apocalypse on Earth.